Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts

Thursday, April 17, 2014

RAPE 101

This is a Bloggersville Exclusive Short Drama on the recently concluded (but lifetime) campaign . #SayNoToRape
              __click the character names for their sites and handles__

RAPE 101
1. What is rape?
2. Who can be raped?
3. What factors contribute or lead to rape (why rape?)
4. What are the short/Long term effects of rape?
5. What does the law say?

Dr. Rufus:    Good day class, am Dr. Rufus and am going to be your new guidance counselor.

CLASS:     Good morning Dr. Rufus.

Dr. Rufus:  Who can tell me the main story in last night’s news-line.

FEMI: the boy who picked money on the floor and turned to a tortoise.

Dr. RUFUS:  no…. not that one.


SHAI: the man who was raped to death by 6 women.

Dr. Rufus:  great! That’s the one.
Now, we are going to discuss about “rape”.
Who can tell me what rape means?

ELSIE: Rape is when a man forcefully has sex with a woman.

Dr. Rufus: that is correct, and straight to the point. But is there anyone with a better and more expansive definition?
……..
No one?
…….ok.
Remember the news said a man died of rape from six (6) women? So Elsie’s definition is rather one sided don’t you think?


So, we will start today’s discussion class by answering those five questions on the board. Answering each question will help answer the next.

1.   WHAT IS RAPE?
Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse, which is initiated by one or more persons against another person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or against a person who is incapable of valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, drugged or below the legal age of consent.
The elements that form the definition of rape under the ICC Statute are that:
  • "The perpetrator invaded the body of a person by conduct resulting in penetration, however slight, of any part of the body of the victim or of the perpetrator with a sexual organ, or of the anal or genital opening of the victim with any object or any other part of the body."
  • "The invasion was committed by force, or by threat of force or coercion, such as that caused by fear of violence, duress, detention, psychological oppression or abuse of power, against such person or another person, or by taking advantage of a coercive environment, or the invasion was committed against a person incapable of giving genuine consent."


Is that clear?

CLASS: Yes Sir!!!!

Dr. Rufus: Good… now to question 2.

2.   WHO CAN BE RAPED? (POSSIBLE VICTIMS)
A: Male to Female B: Female to Male C: Male to Male D: Female to Female.

That is to say, the categories of people that can be raped are as follows:

I) Strangers
II) wife/husband (spouse)
III) Friend/Acquaintance
IV) Child/Ward
V) Steward/Slave
VI) A Date
VII) Prisoner

We will stop there….for sake of time and space, any questions on Number 2?

TOPE: But Sir, we are aware that penetration is a pre-requisite to establish a case of rape, how does Female to Male and Female to Female come in here?

SHUGHAR: Sir, am a little confused about Category VII: Prisoner, is it the same with Category V of Slave?

Dr. RUFUS: Ok… who can help them…?

XAVIER: I think the provision in the first part of the ICC statute describing rape would answer Tope’s question if looked at critically. It explains that there is an invasion of a body (whether male or female) by the perpetrator, however slight of any sexual part of either the victim OR the perpetrator which means if the perpetrator is a woman and the victim a man, the penetration of his organ into hers still amount to rape by her! Also the tongue and fingers are included when it said “of any part of the body of the victim or of the perpetrator with a sexual organ, or of the anal or genital opening of the victim with any object or any other part of the body." I think that covers the Female to Female part.

Dr. RUFUS: Excellent! Am impressed already, the Female to female mostly happens in our Boarding schools and Prisons but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
And to answer your question young lady (Shughar). Slave Rape happened a lot in the past during the colonial Era and in places where people are bought and sold as Slaves to wealthy families or Merchants etc. While Prison Rape as the name implies happens in the confines of a cell or prison by a person’s cell mate or Prison Warden Etc. It’s not so far from Slave rape in War times when hostages are taken as POW’s (prisoners of War). Much will be explained in the next Question.

3.   WHAT FACTORS CONTRIBUTE OR LEAD TO RAPE (WHY RAPE?)
  
 Dr. RUFUS: To be able to understand the factors that contribute to rape one must first discuss the possible types of rape so we will do it together …let’s start from you Chris... Name and explain any type of rape you know.

CHRIS: GANG RAPE sir, usually by a number of men over a woman or a number of women over a man. This often happens when there is for instance an armed robbery and the robbers decide to rape the female victims and also in some cases where a man marries many wives and they connive to rape him like in last night’s news-line story.
          My uncle Babaolowo also told me a story of how some girls raped a boy who helps them get water. He calls the story A victim of the Gods.

Dr. RUFUS: Am curious as to how they achieved it.

CHRIS: from the story am guessing he was drugged because he accepted a cup of juice from a girl even though he didn’t see her open it or open it himself. Very wrong.

CEEFOUR: Sir another one is SPOUSE or MARITAL RAPE.
When a man/woman who is bound by marriage does not want to engage in sex with his/her partner and the other forces themselves in or devices a means to still have sex with said partner against their wish.
The man on last night’s news bit was a victim of this type of rape too. God rest his soul.

ELSIE: He asked for it, how will you marry 6 wives and keep in one house yet you will still be denying them conjugal rights because u still keep mistresses outside.

Dr. RUFUS: but does that make raping him right? Is rape ever right?

ELSIE: Any woman that rapes her husband is in her right oo.. for me.
      The real question here should be “why would a man rape his wife”

Dr. Rufus: Some Civilizations don’t even observe that as a crime. They believe in ultimate submissiveness of the wife to a husband which entails she be at his beck and call and never deny him conjugal satisfaction.

ELSIE: Such archaic and unreasonable cultures shouldn’t exist now?

BAMI: they do oh…and even in recent times if you notice the outlook to the issue by the religious clerics, police and the courts you will understand that they still promote such beliefs indirectly.

WALTER: it’s unfortunate, if for any reason your spouse refuses you sex when previously your drive was good. Its high time u sought help from experts and not resort to rape.

Dr. RUFUS: Well said.

MUDA: Question Sir, if a man and his wife are having sex and they have gone two rounds. The man demands for a third and she refuses, if he forces himself on her can we still call that one rape?

CLASS: hahahahaha

SHUGHAR: Haba Muda, You already answered your own question when you said “forces himself on her…”  
Sir, another bad one is CHILD ABUSE/MOLESTATION also referred to as STATUTORY RAPE.
This one has many faces. Forcing an underage (below 18 for Nigeria) to engage in any sexually geared activity by an adult or a more senior person to them amounts to child abuse. Fathers, step fathers, guardians, babysitters and neighbors etc. taking advantage of kids, wards, stewards also amounts to child abuse and molestation. Again, parents giving out their underage kids to greedy old beasts to prey upon in the name of marriage or anything.

XAVIER: That one is very annoying. To think that one of our own senators who joined in signing the child right act of 2003/7 went ahead to marry a minor at either age 12 or 13.

Adedoyeensola: Duro sibe o tie moo un to wan le, the so called senator has gone ahead to divorce the Egyptian girl he bought from his driver for $100,000 , she’s 17 years now and still a minor. He then married another Egyptian girl of 15.

HOUNGE: Jesus Christ! The same senator that appended his signature to the child right act ?

Dr. Rufus: My dear Students, the problem we have is that we have succeeded in copying the western lifestyle but have decided not to drop our barbaric attitudes and the worst is that we hide behind religion to perpetuate these evils. And the immunity granted them is another issue altogether.

Lawrence: Most of these kids never come back from the dark side after such inhumanity. Reminds me of the case of Dr. Gentle Adigwe who was abused and turned out as a rapist and sadist…like a chain reaction.

Gigi XO: You guys are forgetting the most common one joor, DATE RAPE.  Scum of the earth who are too lazy to learn their way around the opposite sexes sexual dynamics, attraction mechanics and love triggers end up resorting raping or trying to rape their dates.

Dr. Rufus: Why are you looking so fiercely at the guy?

ISAACOLA: Hahaha, Don’t mind her Sir, Women are the ones asking for it most times. After a guy has tried and tried and spent and spent, even to the point of helping you rent room when he’s squatting with his padi and helping u pay your school fees you claim u lost. Only for him to hear you have asked like 6 others guys you’re equally going out with for same thing and they give you. What do you expect a guy to do when he knows the cash has entered voice-mail. He go want to collect na!

CLASS: *selective laugh patterns in the air*

GiGi XO: imagine! So he should then rape her na abi?
Come are you sure you’re not a potential rapist make I begin dodge you oh because it’s often said most rapes are carried out by familiars.
I bow to you oo.

ELSIE: I remember poor Cynthia that died, very fine girl. Went to Lagos to visit her so called Facebook lover. Tragic incident… drugged, raped and killed.
I think rape should be seen as a capital offense.

SHAI: Talk Talk, are you the only one in this class? Every time Elsie and her feminist Yarns.
You didn’t mention that when u heard about the six women oh. If pesin like you become president Men go suffer. 
ELSIE :……….( mute. Ignores shai)

Dr. Rufus: that’s okay class. Let us move on.
Some of these date rapists resort to crude methods to achieve their aims like kidnapping with masks or drugging them with any of the following
a.    Gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB)
b.   Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam)
c.    Methamphetamine
d.   Methylenedioxymethamphetaminne (Ecstasy MDMA)
e.    Ketamine
f.     LSD. (lysergic acid diethylamide)
Now am mentioning these drugs for educational purposes only
Don’t make me regret mentioning them. Purchase outside prescription (illegal) and use; carries a penalty by the law for both buyer user and seller.
And a warning to the ladies. There was a time when dates entailed perfectly planned outings with the aim of wooing a potential partner and so on. But it is now obvious to me that you young ladies now accept dates from virtually anyone especially when you are hungry for some expensive dinner and all that.
Therefore if you must go for dates, or clubs and parties etc. There are several rules and safety precautions you must live by


1.   Don't accept open drinks (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) from others who you do not know or do not trust; this includes drinks that come in a glass.

2.   When in bars or clubs always get your drink directly from the bartender and do not take your eyes off the bartender or your order; don't use the waitress or let somebody go to the bar for you.

3.   At parties, only accept drinks in close containers: bottles, cans or tetra packs.

4.   Never leave your drink unattended or turn your back on your table.

5.   Do not drink from open beverage sources like punch bowls, pitchers or tubs.

6.   Keep your eyes and ears open; if there is talk of date rape drugs or if friends seem "too intoxicated" for what they have taken, leave the party or club immediately and don't go back!

If these behavior modifications don't feel like enough protection, or if you don't think you can follow these rules on a given night, you do have another option. There is a brand new defense against date rape drugs that has recently been approved for use in North America but still scarce in Nigeria; it is a simple and inexpensive test kit that can be used to detect the presence of date rape drugs in drinks. The so called "Drink Safe Technology" is actually a package of drink testing strips or coasters that work like those litmus paper strips you use in Chemistry class. The strips and coasters change color when they come in contact with a date rape drug. The strips fit in your purse or pocket and can be used quickly and discretely. To find out more about "Drink Safe" visit the website at http://www.drinksafetech.com.

 Adedoyeensola: That one useful oh, but emmmm in absentia… prevention is better than resorting to pregnancy strip like test just because of one drink…Ahhh…I bow oh.

FEMI: I watched another type of rape that played out In one seasonal movie like that.. PRISON RAPE…. In whatever form it comes it is violent and very bad. In the first scene they showed the male section of the prison where a young Caucasian male who was otherwise innocent and thrown into jail was in the bathroom with a dozen other inmates. And they seemed to be watching him while stroking their manhood’s and laughing. He was shy and noticed some other inmates tied some kind of thread around their soap but he didn’t understand why. He noticed someone whisper to him “…don’t drop the soap” but he wasn’t hearing too well. In fear of uncertainty He kept on turning and observing them observe him till he didn’t know when he dropped his soap. Believe me when I say the scene that followed was terrible..as he bent down to pick the soap, one of the Huge inmates just grabbed his…

CLASS: (in different signs of disgust) Ewwww… Argggh STOP …..OMG!! Please stop there oh!

 FEMI: in another scene, there were two ladies in a cell and a third one was brought to join them. You can imagine the evils that those two did to her and forced her to do to them.
Subsequently; There was some sort of rukus and it led to a jailbreak. Those who instigated it broke into the female wing of the Cell block. The female wardens where captured along side some female inmates and brutally raped.

Dr. RUFUS: Phew! I think that pretty much describes prison rape…or could there be a more graphic representation?...
…No response… then you all are as stunned as I am, however more should be done about our prisons and the safety of our inmates. Even though they have limited rights they are still humans.
Now to the next one.


CHRIS: WAR RAPE Sir, in the past. Kings usually order their soldiers to pillage the towns of their enemies and rape their women. This was meant as a means of psychological warfare to instill heartbreak in the minds of the men of that kingdom and also sometimes to populate the conquered kingdom with their offspring while killing off the men. War rapes are rapes committed by combatants during armed conflict or war, or during military occupation often as spoils of war; but sometimes, particularly in ethnic conflict, the phenomenon has broader sociological motives. It is distinguished from sexual assaults and rape committed amongst troops in military service. It also covers the situation where girls and women are forced into prostitution or sexual slavery by an occupying power.

During war and armed conflict, rape is frequently used as a means of psychological warfare in order to humiliate the enemy. War rape is often systematic and thorough.
Rape is also now recognized as an element of the crime of genocide when committed with the intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a targeted group; however, rape remains widespread in conflict zones. There are other international legal instruments to prosecute perpetrators. However, these legal instruments have so far only been used for international conflicts, thus putting the burden of proof in citing the international nature of conflict in order for prosecution to proceed.
In more recent times, soldiers from various war zones either in form of allied or enemy forces sometimes rape women at will because they are armed and the people have fear instilled in them already… most times they gang up to rape these women who either end up dead or with torn sex organs and worse …deadly foreign diseases. These soldiers bring foreign diseases too back to the waiting arms and legs of their loving wives and girlfriends in their native countries.


Dr. RUFUS: We have made remarkable progress class. We can go on to Explain More like Incest rape where sibings or blood related individuals take advantage of their kin and also Blackmail where one can give in to sex due to fear that a secret being exposed would cause loss of something precious to the victim.
Now we will move on to the 

SHORT AND LONG TERM EFFECTS OF RAPE
SHORT TERM WE HAVE:
Physical injuries
Sexually transmitted diseases
Unwanted Pregnancy
Helplessness
Isolation
Vulnerability
Desperation.
Unsafe Abortions
Maternal Mortality
Feeling of powerlessness
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Fear
Guilt
Shame
Physical repulsion
Anger
Anxiety
Despair
Terror
Rage
Numbness
Confusion
Loss of control
Sleeplessness
Self-blame
Obviously, some of these can persist for a very long time. Some can also develop into longer term effects on behavior and emotional well-being.


LONG TERM EFFECTS
Stigma
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorders
Depression
Anxiety and panic attacks
Self-harm
Para-suicide
Promiscuity
Lack of self-esteem
Eating disorders
Sexual problems
Physical problems
Drug and alcohol abuse
Alienation and aloneness
Never able to trust anyone
Suicide

All these and more comprise of the effects of rape both long and short term.

SO…WHAT DOES THE LAW SAY?
Initially, the law in Nigeria and other pats of the world concerning rape was narrower and also gender selective.
However, in summary the amended laws for rape now carry a life sentence which means if you’re a rapist or intended rapist you might want to reconsider. You’ll just throw your life away for minutes of what you tag as “fun”.
Other sexual offenses carry heavy punishments too.
I believe we have all learned a thing or two today… I will leave ou with this slideshow presentation of how other countries view and punish rape offenders. Till we meet again. Good day Class.

CLASS: Thank you DR. RUFUS
  
Different categorizations and maximum punishments for rape under federal law

USA
Description
Fine
Imprisonment (years)
Life imprisonment
Rape using violence or the threat of violence to override consent
unlimited
0 – unlimited
yes
Rape by causing fear in the victim for themselves or for another person to override consent
unlimited
0 – unlimited
yes
Rape by giving a drug or intoxicant to a person that renders them unable to give consent
unlimited
0–15
no
Statutory rape involving an adult perpetrator
unlimited
0–15
no
Statutory rape involving an adult perpetrator with a previous conviction
unlimited
0 – unlimited
yes
Statutory rape involving a perpetrator who is a minor
unlimited
0–15
no
When a person causes the rape by a third person
unlimited
0–10
no
When a person causes the rape of a child under 12 by a third person
unlimited
0 – unlimited
0–20
source

England
Life imprisonment
source


Scotland  
Life imprisonment
source

Sweden 
gross rape (4-10 years imprisonment)
ordinary rape (2-4 years imprisonment)
minor rape (0-4 years imprisonment)
source

Germany 
2yrs to Life imprisonment
source

France
20 yrs of imprisonment
source

Brazil
6 to 10 years imprisonment
source

Canada
Everyone who commits rape is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to suffer death, or imprisonment for life.
Everyone is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to seven years’ imprisonment who attempts to commit rape.
source

Italy
5 to 10 years imprisonment
source

Switzerland
10yrs imprisonment
source

Spain
4 to 10yrs imprisonment
source


Australia
Attempt to commit rape : The maximum penalty if found guilty of attempted rape is 14 years imprisonment.
Assault with intent to commit rape:  The maximum penalty if found guilty of attempted rape is 14 years imprisonment.
Sexual Assaults: The maximum penalty if found guilty of sexual assault is 10 years imprisonment.
 
source

 Russia
 5yrs imprisonment for minimal
up to 10 years if rape lead to suicide
source

 China
Having sexual intercourse with a girl under fourteen years of age is statutory rape, with a sentence of heavier punishment within the range of punishments for rape. Committing rape in China may result in sentencing of a fixed-term imprisonment from three years to ten years, and if one of a list of “serious circumstances” spelled out in The PRC Criminal Law happens, a fixed-term imprisonment from ten years up to the death penalty may be imposed.  The “serious circumstances” include (i) raping women or minors; (ii) raping a number of women or girls under the age of fourteen; (iii) raping a woman in public; (iv) Raping in rotation by more than two offenders; and (v) causing serious injury or death to the victim or any other serious consequences.
source

Pakistan
The amendments change the punishment for someone convicted of having nonconsensual sex outside marriage to imprisonment of up to five years and a fine of Rs10,000. Rape would be punishable with 10 to 25 years of imprisonment
source

Saudi Arabia
Death Penalty
source


Iran
Death Penalty
source


Iraq
life imprisonment.
source

Afghanistan
two methods prescribed under Afghan law are hanging and firing squad.
source



India
1. Rape of a woman who is under twelve years of age : Rigorous imprisonment for a term which shall not be less than ten years but which may be for life and shall also be liable to fine: Provided that the court may, for adequate and special reasons to be mentioned in the judgment, impose a sentence of imprisonment of either description for a term of less than ten years.
2. Rape of a woman, knowing her to be pregnant: Rigorous imprisonment for a term which shall not be less than ten years but which may be for life and shall also be liable to fine: Provided that the court may, for adequate and special reasons to be mentioned in the judgment, impose a sentence of imprisonment of either description for a term of less than ten years.
3. Gang Rape: Rigorous imprisonment for a term which shall not be less than ten years but which may be for life and shall also be liable to fine: Provided that the court may, for adequate and special reasons to be mentioned in the judgment, impose a sentence of imprisonment of either description for a term of less than ten years.
4. Custodial Rape: Rigorous imprisonment for a term which shall not be less than ten years but which may be for life and shall also be liable to fine
source



for Gang Rape
Pakistan had passed a law for punishment with death
source

 A rapist is a murderer and deserves whatever punishment …even death.
Be wise CLASS and….
#SayNoToRape

Written for Educational purposes by Chrisking Leonhart.

Kindly use the facebook comments instead of the default one thanks.

www.chriskingleonhart.com (THE LIONS DEN)
Twitter and Instagram: @chrisxleonhart
Facebook Page: Chrisking Leonhart
BBM: 74EBA829

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

DAY5- PRIVACY OR SECRECY

 IS IT RIGHT TO CHECK YOUR PARTNERS
PHONE/MESSAGES.
Day-5 7days to valenting


Every week, I get asked some variation of the following question:
“I know I shouldn’t have, but I looked through my girlfriend’s cell phone. She’s talking to her ex. How do I confront her about it without looking like the bad guy?”…. AND… “He was always stepping away to answer calls and he changes his password all the time… he must be cheating…etc as the list goes on.


There are several reasons partners check each others messages.
1. Suspicion
2. Previous record of infidelity.
3. Insecurity e.g. feeling of inferiority
4. Previous experience with cheating partners.
5. Tired of Relationship and seeking escape.
6. Frequent correspondence with fictional contact by partner.
7. Frequent or unnecessary encryption (locking) of partner’s phone or device.
8. Over indulging in chats or calls and hiding content from partners gaze.
9. Stumbling over chats/messages in an attempt to use partners’ device.
10a, No reason at all, just plain curiosity. (Or could it be the relationship was so rosy and too good to be true… “ahh he’s gotta have some dirt on him”).
10b, He’s always finding faults with me and catching me in wrong positions….I gotta dig for something to hold him with.
And so on….



According to NICKIS LOVE CORNER (ADENIKE) 
You really don’t know a person until you have looked through their cellphone. Nowadays, a cell phone is more than just a device to make emergency phone calls with. A cellphone is a personal and PRIVATE device that stores a plethora of information. You will discover a world of new things about a person when you look through their cellphone if you have never done it before…

I had a friend who was in a happy relationship UNTIL she looked through her boo’s phone. She saw text conversations she never imagined existed and it caused her to end the relationship with her otherwise near perfect man.
In spite of knowing what you can find in a cellphone, many of us still refrain from looking through our partner’s cell phone. Why?

Two reasons:
1. You don’t want to know.
2. You trust your partner.

You don’t want to know
Seek and you shall find. If you are looking for something bad, that is what you will find. People choose not to look through their partner’s cellphone because they have no interest in finding something that may mess up the relationship. It’s not necessarily trust, it is more like avoidance. In the story I mentioned above, my friend learned her lesson early on and has made a lifelong decision never to look through a guy’s phone ever again. There is no way to build a cheat-proof relationship, so focus on the good things about the relationship instead of looking for the bad. Be happy with what you have and don’t worry about finding something wrong. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.
If your partner gives you a reason to doubt with unusual behavior’s, then its best that you confront him/her about it. If you are trying to find a reason to end the relationship that should be good reason enough to end a relationship, you don’t have to wait to find something unbearable.
You trust your partner
Trust is something that is earned by consistent behavior. A woman reflects the love a man gives her. Trust is reflected by a woman who is treated well by a virtuous man. A virtuous man is honest and has integrity. Ideally, a man shouldn’t give his woman the desire to have to look for evidence in his phone. A woman who trusts her man is a confident woman and a woman who feels secure in her position and value in the relationship. This is healthy.
If you DO decide to look through his phone:
Be prepared. Make sure you are ready for what you are going to find and for the reactions that will come with it:
Stress; stress causes sleepless nights, headaches and illnesses; Arguments; Fights, Disturbing thoughts that will haunt you forever….And for what- if you are going to make up with your partner anyway? UNLESS you are ready to make that tough decision to BREAKUP: end it all, let that person go, suffer a loss and start zero with someone new.
My advice…
Think thoroughly before you take action. Do not act out of impulse. Ask yourself a few questions that will assess your real motives for looking through someone’s phone: what are you really looking for and why? What will be the repercussions of your actions? If something bad is indeed happening, it will soon come to light all on its own. There is no need to worry or play detective, “For there is nothing hid that shall not be manifested.” Mathew 4:22
…. OKAY THAT’S ALL SHE SAID


NOW LET ME LOOK AT THIS IN DIFFERENT WAYS

NUMBER 1
Does trust exist if one of you are secretly checking up on the other via their phone, email, social networking sites or by doing a good old-fashioned rummage through the pockets?
The answer is: it depends on what’s happened to trigger it.
If you’re snooping (let’s not dress it up people, that’s exactly what spying on your partner’s personal life is) on a consistent and regular basis, your relationship is going well, your partner seems happy and their behavior hasn’t changed to alert suspicion, you have trust issues or don’t trust the person you’re with.
If you sense something has changed – they are acting out of character, ‘working late’ a little too often, taking more care with their appearance, suddenly taking their phone to the loo and guarding it fiercely, putting passwords on their laptop when previously they had none or any of the other telltale trouble signs of an affair AND you’ve confronted them about your suspicions and not got a direct answer – then I find some discreet snooping understandable.
In that scenario, you are checking up on a partner due to a real fear that something is happening to threaten your relationship. I think most of us will hold our hands up to admit to doing it under those circumstances at some point in our lives, even if we do trust our partners the other 95% of the time.
The problem is, even innocent things take on ominous overtones when you can’t ask for an explanation. What seems like outrageously flirty texts from a workmate, might just be ‘Jane’s’ way: she sends texts like that to everyone in the office, dramatically diluting the danger factor. But you don’t know that because you can’t ask.
Emails from an ex pouring their heart out also mean nothing. That’s their perspective on the relationship, not your partner’s. Most of us have exes we have soft spots for. Your partner’s kind reply that says ‘I admit I do think of you often’, could be nothing but them trying to console/comfort someone who was once dear to them, gently. But unless you admit you snooped, you end up plagued with fears that could be groundless.
The only way to truly curb suspicion is to sit your partner down and be honest about how you’re feeling. Tell them specifically why you are unsure of their feelings for you. If you can’t pin down the feeling, tell them it’s just a gut instinct. If they’re innocent and love you, they will leap to reassure you everything is fine. (If they sigh or roll their eyes, it could be they’ve done it once too often and it’s time to take yourself off to see a therapist to work through the root of your insecurity.) If, instead, they look uncomfortable, get defensive and don’t instantly envelope you in a huge hug, watch their face and body language carefully. Do their eyes slide away from yours? Do they move their hands out of the way or take a step backward? Very few people are able to lie to a loved one while touching them. Are they touching their face a lot or leaking anxiety by jiggling a foot or a leg? All these things are far better indicators of their feelings for you and more accurate relationship alarm bells.


NUMBER 2
It is not healthy to check your partner’s correspondence – unless, the two of you have agreed that it is ok and the same rule applies to you both.
All couples have different boundaries around privacy and hence if a couple agrees that open sharing of correspondence is what they want to do then clearly that’s fine. But for those who do not have that agreement in place, being checked up on could at best feel like an irritating invasion of personal space, and at worst, be perceived as controlling, disrespectful and abusive.
It’s important to recognize that there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.  There are many reasons why we may prefer to keep some aspects of our lives private from our partner, for example for reasons of modesty, independence or respecting the confidentiality of others.  But if we insist on some things being kept secret, then the motivation is more often about protecting oneself from guilt. Guilt that is most often caused by knowing that a partner would be hurt if the secret were found out.
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and trust is built on transparency, honesty and open communication. This means that couples should talk about their needs for privacy and also agree what kinds of communications with others are ok, and not ok, within their relationship.  When boundaries are negotiated and agreed, there should be no reason to ‘check up’ on each other.  One exception to this might be when there has already been a significant breach of trust such as an infidelity, but even in these cases, spot checks should be done within an open and mutual spirit of accountability and reassurance, rather than suspicion and control.

In a technology-filled world, the temptation to read your man's Facebook messages or snoop through his texts and call records is overwhelming. But are you in the right to do so?

When Jane logged onto her husband's email, she was hoping for the best right?  Instead, she was met with a rude awakening: clear cut evidence of her husband's affair scattered throughout his emails. Love notes, song lyrics, photos of the two of them together, but that wasn't all. The worst was a pro/con list, written by her husband, on whether or not he should leave her. "It was the worst thing I have ever seen with my eyes," Jane said.
She's not alone: according to a 2011 study, 41-percent of women have snooped through their man's phone or emails. Modern technology offers a whole new variety of ways to spy on your partner. Looking through drawers and checking for lipstick on the collar is a thing of the past. According to a January 2013 poll by the Daily Mail, going through your partner's cell phone is now the top reason why cheating and affairs are exposed.

Why do we snoop? When Olivia’s boyfriend left his cell phone at her house, the temptation was too much to resist. "Of course what girl would not wanna look at everything that was in there?" she told me. Of course, giving into temptation can have some drastic consequences. When Prince was reading through his phone one night while they were in bed, she saw that he had been texting quite a few other girls, which led her to end the relationship. All this sneaking around raises a big question: Is it wrong to read your man's texts or emails if you end up learning he's been hiding things from you, or does snooping bring you down to his level?
Snooping may be a breach of trust, but it can also expose some untrustworthy behavior. The most common of this is evidence of cheating. Steamy emails, declarations of love, notifications from dating sites, and worse. Hannah found naked photos of other women when reading through her boyfriend's text messages.


Sometimes, you just have a sixth sense, a feeling that something is up. When your senses are tingling and a phone is ready for snatching, controlling the urge to snoop isn't easy. Such was the case for Tochi, who became wary of her boyfriend's relationship with his ex. After he refused to say her name and bitterly reminisce about their time together, she knew he wasn't quite over her yet. When he started mentioning her more-and-more, warning signs went off. Tochi’s snooping started innocently enough: looking through his Facebook to see if he had added her again. As her lurking continued, she discovered that they had been talking again and were planning on meeting up for coffee. She broke up with him soon after.
While her snooping was instrumental in the demise of her relationship, Tochi feels that snooping is sometimes necessary to find out the information you deserve. "I would snoop again only if I felt something was off," she said. "Otherwise, I understand boundaries. I'm not that interested in what my boyfriend talks about with his friends."
It's not always infidelity that women catch when they snoop around. Sometimes, you learn that they've been doing the same thing to you. When Cindy’s boyfriend gave her his password, she started reading his emails. The snooping didn't end there: When he borrowed her laptop and forgot to logout, she was able to search through his Facebook, as well. She discovered that he had subscribed to her check-ins in order to receive notifications about her whereabouts. Tochi stressed the fact that if you're going to snoop, you need to prepare yourself for what you may find. "I guess when you're looking for something, you'll find it," Tochi said.


When women find incriminating information through snooping, as you might expect, they oftentimes won't stand for it, and they act out. Such was the case for Vanessa. She had a bad feeling about the man she had been seeing. One night after he had fallen asleep, she grabbed his phone and quickly scrolled through his text messages. Turns out her intuition had been right-there were texts from three different women in his inbox.
Instead of confronting him, she quickly wrote back to the other women in his phone, telling them that he was ending it with them, and he was getting serious with another girl. She then proceeded to delete all of his contacts-her own number included. Maybe it's true what they say-hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
But perhaps the best way to satisfy your curiosity is simply to ask. Men with nothing to hide may be more willing to share the contents of their phone or email with you. "The easiest way to find out if your boyfriend is hiding something is to simply ask him if you can look through his phone and if he says no, well then there's your answer," Susan said.








I’ve lived through this scenario, I’ll start out by saying that we’re missing the point.
You looked in the cell phone for a reason, right? Perhaps your girlfriend suddenly added a password to her phone. Perhaps she’s been spending time with friends more often, or is being secretive and vague when you ask her questions. You know something’s off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. So what do you do?
You look for proof.
Your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, your eyes laser beam over to her cell phone, and before you know it, you’re scrolling through her text messages, looking for the reason you feel a knife twisting in your gut every time she says she’s going out with friends.
Well this same theme plays out in many different ways in relationships. Maybe you don’t check her phone, but you look through her emails instead. Maybe you feel sick to your stomach every time she goes out and you don’t know where she is. Maybe you’ve even gone as far as following her to places and spying on her.
The bottom line is that you don’t trust her. But more importantly, you don’t trust YOU! Something’s up and you can feel it in your gut.
It’s not about whether or not you found someone in your partner’s phone. It’s about trust. You must be able to trust your partner, and you must be able to trust yourself.
So for all of you considering checking your partner’s phone that haven’t yet pulled the trigger: THINK!!!
Stop trying to control the situation and start taking responsibility for what you can control.. YOU!! 

 Why do you need proof that cheating is occurring to acknowledge that you don’t feel safe in the relationship?
Speak up, confront the issue head on, and have a conversation about it.
For all of you that have already checked the cell phone, and that stumbled upon some suspicious text messages or phone calls, I gently say to you wake up.
I’m not saying to approach your partner with boxing gloves on, ready to fight. But I am saying that if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck: It’s probably a duck.
If you’ve checked the phone and there’s nothing there, this is still your issue. What really prompted your concern? Was it an old wound? Self-worth issues? Fear?
Be honest. Go and have a real conversation about that twisting feeling in your gut. Figure out what’s really going on, and if that twisting feeling won’t go away do not ignore it.
Trust yourself to make the right decision. Trust your gut.

Have you ever checked your partner’s cell phone? What did you find? Share your story below.

And i'll talk to you again soon...

Your Friend , 
........Leonhart



BBM PIN: 7514F89C
TWITTER: @chrisxleonhart
FACEBOOK: Chrisking Leonhart
FACEBOOK PAGE : Facebook.com/chrisking.leonhart.den
e-Mail: chrisking4u@yahoo.com , lordcommanderleonhart@gmail.com