THE LIONS DEN: HOW TO CHEAT AND NOT GET CAUGHT (MEN ONLY: READERS DISCRETION ADVISED).

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Obviously I don’t think cheating on a girlfriend is morally right, and I think it’s wrong to bang your girl without a condom and then creep without it too because you’re exposing her to diseases that could create an uncomfortable situation. However am gonna justify this post by saying this. Sometimes it’s best to know what to do in order not to lose something special when you can’t avoid the habit of creeping. When I want to cheat, I keep it locked down so tightly that it would take a lottery chance event to get me. The result is I get to fulfill my perverse needs while having something stable with a girl that I care for. That’s a win-win… unless she finds out. Here’s what to do to make sure that doesn’t happen:

1. Get started on the right foot.

Do not get into that pattern where you must talk on the phone every day. To accomplish this you’ll have to state that you need your “space” early in the relationship that you don’t want it to get into that friendly boring zone where you’re talking about what time you woke up and what you had for lunch. She’ll honor your request but slip and send frequent text messages, which is fine—it’s easy to creep with another girl when all you got to do is send texts.

Also, if you want to actually have the ability to cheat, you need time not only to meet other girls but to take them out on dates. This means you want to get into no more than a twice-a-week date pattern with your girl, one date on the weekday and one on the weekend. Resist her efforts to see you more by saying again you need space and are the loner type that feels smothered easily.

2. Don’t give her access to your phone or computer.

Remember This is how 90% of guys get caught cheating. They left their phone laying around, unlocked, and the girl finds incriminating text messages. It’s easy to brush off female numbers in your phone as old, but not a text message stamped yesterday where you confirmed fresh plans. Either delete the text messages manually before you see her or lock your keypad. Fail to do either and you will get busted eventually, guaranteed. Girls are savvy with cell phones and only need sixty seconds to sift through your messages or call history.

I’ve caught two girls messing around with my phone. Once I went to go wash my cock after sex and came back with my phone on the floor instead of the nightstand. The other time I spent the night at this half caste girl’s house and woke up in the morning with all my clothes gone. I walked around her place dazed and naked, wondering if I just got got, and found her sitting on the bathroom toilet going through all my shit.

For your computer, log off your email/facebook account when you know she’s coming over and then launch a different browser that you never use. While it would take time for her to sift through emails if you slip to the bathroom, girls go straight to the Sent folder to gather evidence. I’m certain that the female species plays dumb with gadgets and computers on purpose so that we leave our things laying around. Also lock down anything else that could get you in trouble like Skype (call history) and the secret dating apps you operate.

3. Don’t create a lasting impression with her friends.

While some guys will argue that a way to win a girl is through her friends, I only find that to be the case with very young girls around college age—once she’s in her mid-20′s she doesn’t seek as much approval from her friends as before. If you’re meeting her friends for the first time then show up in an outfit you never wear and also a slightly different hair or beard configuration. You don’t need to wear a disguise but appear a little differently.

The reason is that her friends are spies and when you’re creeping they may spot you and then immediately rat you out. By looking different and not making an impression, the goal here is they don’t recognize you when you’re creeping. It also offers a layer of plausible deniability because you can say that you were experimenting with a new look when you met them and they probably confused you for someone else. Furiously deny it was you that they witnessed making out with another girl. You have no other choice, not matter how obvious it was you. Be like the United States government where photo or video evidence is required to pursue torture charges.

4. Do not mix dating venues.

You want to have two parallel sets of venues to minimize cross contamination. If you take your girlfriend to the same bar as your creep girls, a bartender or regular may accidentally out you, or tip her off while you’re in the bathroom. We all know those don’t-date-him girls whose life mission it is to warn other women of cheating men.

5. Don’t frequent her regular spots.

This doesn’t need to be said but there is an exception: when one of her spots is a place you can get laid like a champ. Ajoihe!!!

In Enugu there is a club where, as of this writing, I have a 44% bang rate. This means every four times I went, I can bang or meet a Bangable girl. There’s no way I’m going to stop going to a place like that, but the success I had at this club could easily lead to my doom if I’ve truly decided to change.

6. Pick a friend who will be your go-to excuse for why you can’t hang out with her.

It’s best she has met the friend but I’ve invented guys as well. Be consistent and have him be the excuse whenever you didn’t want to hang with her. Examples:

“Friday I’m hanging out with Steve but how about Saturday?”

“Steve wants us to do fish night on Tuesday and to talk about some girl problems so let’s do movie night on Wednesday.”

“Sorry I didn’t answer I actually hung out with Steve in this lame club and didn’t hear the phone ring.”

Never allow her to join you with Steve (go out with u two), explaining that he doesn’t like being the third wheel. Add that you need guy time to do some male bonding, to talk trash and just be men.

What’s going to happen is she will develop a deep hatred for Steve because she thinks he’s keeping you away from her. That’s not a bad thing because Steve will be the channel for her hate. Feel free to milk this by making it seem like Steve has an influence over you since he’s “cool” and “fun.” Many of my friends in Nigeria (Enugu). would use me as their Steve and I can tell you that a dozen girls still hate my guts because of it.

7. Be mindful of when you blow your load.

If your girl expects a gallon of cum on her face when you bang, and then this one time have a trickle or droplets because you just got done banging another girl, warning signs are going to go off in her head. Therefore regulate your horniness and sperm quantity. If you know it takes two days to recharge after a lengthy sex episode, then allow that much time before banging a mistress and then your girl. This is why when it comes to the weekend I always try to put my girl on Friday. If I bang another girl on Friday then I will show up in her bedroom on Saturday already sated and she will pick up on it.

8. Try to bang your mistresses at other places.

You don’t want her to leave something behind like a bobby pin, scarf, hair strands, bangle, unique perfume scent, or blood. (Etc.). Also realize that a girl can tell the difference between a strand of her hair that is hers and one that is only 5% different. If you have to bang a mistress in your place then commit yourself to a CSI-like clean sweep afterwards. Do not get lazy at this step. View your room from many different angles, get on your knees, and go sniffing around everywhere. Flush used condoms down the toilet and put the wrappers deep in the kitchen trash can.

9. Construct and rehearse your alibi.

Anticipate what questions your girl is going to ask and have simple, quick answers to them. For example you went out on a Thursday night after telling your girl you’d stay in. You met a girl in the club who bit the hell out of your neck in the heat of passion. You brought her home and she turned out to be a flooder (squirter/wet queen) and the sheets were soaked.

Let’s focus on each aspect of the situation. If she asks why you didn’t answer the phone or call her back, say you wanted to stay in but Steve called and begged you to go out because he’s trying to get this girl that has an ugly friend. So for most of the night you had to talk to a fatty, but you wished you were with her instead. The club was so loud that you didn’t see the call and by the time you noticed it was too late to call back.

Second, the scratch on the back of your neck happened when you were in the kitchen. You left a cabinet door open and when you reached down to pick something up off the floor, you come back up right under it and caught your neck. Of course you will wear a collared shirt to cover it up and prevent her discovery, but if you never wear collared shirts around her then she will be even more suspicious if she catches the scratch. If you have a sister and can borrow her makeup this may also be a good play, or just go to the nearest department store’s cosmetic counter and pick up some foundation. I’m not joking.

Third, the sheets. In America you can do a wash and dry load quickly, but in countries like mine and in areas without a dryer it has to hang for quite a while. If she insists on coming in during the late afternoon before it dries, say how mad you are at the maid for lazying around and always washing on the wrong days.

You’ve closed the gaps. Otherwise it would be a very damaging situation. While subconsciously she will know something is going on and be moody and testy, consciously she will accept your airtight alibi and things can proceed as normal.

10. Don’t let guilt change your routine.

After a successful creep you’ll probably feel guilty for cheating on such a nice girl. You’ll then feel compelled to make a surprise phone call, be more affectionate or loving, or even buy her something small like a chocolate truffle or rose. Resist this urge and proceed with your normal routine because girls can sense when you’re doing something out of the ordinary. She’ll know that you are trying to relieve your guilt, and while she may not automatically assume it’s from cheating, she’ll know you did something wrong.

When you get good at cheating, you also get good at identifying cheating along with the precursors of cheating, like when she meets another guy that she’s attracted to. In due time you’ll be able to piece together storylines. For example let’s take a look at this following hypothetical situation:

Friday: Your Igbo girl texts you from a party, says there are “a lot of Manchies.” Stays there late.

Saturday: You send her a text at 6pm but she waits three hours before replying that she was “sleeping.”

Following Friday: She says she’ll be busy Saturday, but doesn’t say with whom. Even though it’s easier to say “I’m going out with Stevie,” some girls have trouble lying.

Saturday night: She says she is free.

Likely Story: She met a Manchie on the first Friday and he asked her on a date or drink early Saturday evening. There he told her to keep the following Saturday free but eventually flaked on (disappointed) her. This means she’s actively looking for better. Either you step up and offer more of her core needs (without being needy about it of course), or you can say fuck it, get a couple more bangs, and move onto another girl.

Besides concrete evidence like a text message, email, or hair clip, your girl will never have 100% solid proof against you. By being an accomplished liar, avoiding sloppy moves, and covering holes that develop, it becomes very close to impossible for her to catch you. All this so you can have your cake and eat it too. I think it’s a good way for a man to live, but if your ass gets caught don’t blame me.